A quick Christmas update

My baby girl is growing up WAY too fast! I love her more and more every day. Brooke is nearly 6 weeks old...I can't believe how time flies. It seems like just yesterday we brought her home from the hospital...but the fact that she can no longer wear newborn clothes is a daily reminder of reality. We spent Christmas at Disneyland this year, and it was fabulous! I did miss putting up the tree, and decorating the jingle bells out of my home, but I'll live. We drove down to California again this year, which took two very long days to finish (my dad is dead set on flying from now on...I have a smile from ear to ear!). Brooklynn did great! By the time we got to the hotel each night after driving, her little tooshie was a bit red, and all she wanted to do was stretch out as much as she could, but my baby girl was such a trooper!





We spent 4 days in Disneyland/California Adventure, one at Knott's Berry Farm, and one day in LA. Well...Ben went to LA with my Dad, Brad, Erin, and Jessica. Granny, Mom, Kyle and Brooklynn needed break, and I needed to spend some time with Brooke after having my mom watch her while we went to Disneyland. I came back to nurse her every couple hours, but I missed my baby. Every time I saw a little girl at Disneyland, all I wanted was to be back at the condo with MY little girl. But Ben reassured me that she was fine (as did my mom with picture texts of her sleeping), and told me I needed some Mommy Time.





It was warm enough on the day we went to Knott's Berry Farm to take her out, and it was also good enough weather to have her go to Disneyland on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We got pictures of Brooke with Santa and Mrs. Claus...Mrs. Claus couldn't get enough of her, and just kept talking to her. Did you know Mrs. Claus has an Australian Accent? Neither did I, but she was the CUTEST thing! It didn't really feel like Christmas without the decorations, but the spirit of love and family was most certainly there!

I'm adding a few other pictures as well...we did a mini photo shoot with Brooklynn, as well as a couple Christmas ones. My mom has pictures of Brooklynn in her Minnie Mouse ears on Christmas day....I don't know how I missed that one, but I did. So as soon as I get those from her, I will post those too!









Lot of love!

Ben, Jamie, and Brooklynn

Brooklynn's Here!!!!

My baby girl is two weeks old today. It has been two weeks that I have had the blessing of this beautiful spirit in my home and in my family. 2 weeks since I first looked into the eyes of my gorgeous, long anticipated daughter. 2 wees since the most wonderfully horrid, excitingly nerve-wracking, hardest easy thing I have ever done. I know...I should have written the story by now, but this is personal, spiritual, and difficult for me to write. Plus being a new mom is tough stuff. Ben and Brooklynn are both sleeping, so I have a moment to relive and remember. This is going to be a long post, so I apologize in advance. I am also going to go into detail...so don't read the labor part if you don't want to know. I am writing this for me, so that I never forget what a true, miraculous, blessing Brooklynn Marie is to us.

Monday, November 15th, I had my 39 week appointment. I had gained about 6 pounds in water weight, and my blood pressure was slightly elevated, which made my OB a bit nervous. However, after laying on my side for a few minutes, it went back into normal range. When he checked me, I was a full 2 cm dilated, and about 60% effaced. Basically, not enough to say that I was in labor, though I was pleased that there was at least progress. Being that my BP was high, my OB wanted to see me again that Thursday the 18th. (This made it a little easier to go home with my daughter in my womb...not in the carseat.) So the appointment was set.

Thursday rolled around, and I had gained another 3 pounds, bringing my total weight gain to 40-41 pounds. My blood pressure was elevated again, and there was no bringing it down. I think it was 132/87...but I had a lot of BP readings that night, so I don't remember exactly. I had an NST, and she was doing great, but I wasn't having any contractions that they could monitor. My OB could tell how extremely uncomfortable I was becoming in my pregnancy, and it seemed that he was trying to find a reason to keep me. I will forever be grateful for his digging. He went ahead and sent me over to the hospital to be monitored some more, and so that I could get some blood work to test my liver and kidney functions, as well as my platelets.

A bit of a back story here...all three of these things could have come up ugly for me. When I was a child, I was found to have something called ITP. Basically, it is an autoimmune disease that targets and destroys healthy platelets, causing the inability for blood to clot. I haven't had an episode in over 7-8 years, and my Rheumatologist believes that (based on other cases) my ITP morphed into my RA...sort of a pre-cursor to a worse disease. But we all thought I was done having any symptoms of the ITP, with the exception of generally low platelets (still within healthy range...like 150,000 when it should be 200,000-400,000). 3 years ago, right before I married Ben, I nearly died because of my liver. My liver function tests all came back ridiculously, abnormally high...several times higher than normal. These two were my biggest concerns. I also had surgery due to malformation of my urinary tract...so this was the least of my worries, but I knew it could come back wonky. Okay, back to the story.

So I got to the hospital around 4, and my BP was being taken every 15 minutes until my OB showed up after clinical hours, around 5:30. During that hour and a half, my BP never stabilized. At one point it was 140/100. I never saw spots, or got headaches...I just had bad readings. When he walked into the room, I could tell that he had bad news. He just had "that look". He pulled up a chair and told me that due to my BP, I wasn't leaving until I had my baby in my arms. I was relieved to hear this, and couldn't understand why he thought that was a bad thing. Then he said that he got the lab results back. All the possibilities flooded through my head, absolutely paralyzing me with fear...then he told me what the problem was. Everything was fine except my platelet count, which came back at 86,000. I immediately started crying because I knew what that meant. No epidural. As a general rule, Anesthesiologists won't do an epidural or spinal block if the platelet count is below 100,000. So even if I had to have a c-section, it meant I was going to have to be knocked out...completely.


Me right after being admitted.

This was NOT going as I had planned. I had prepared myself mentally for a premature baby delivered via c-section. When I hit 37 weeks, and she magically flipped herself around into a head down position, I prepared myself for a vaginal delivery with an epidural. At 39 weeks, I was now totally high risk, even more so than before, with no epidural and a crappy situation if I had to have an emergency c-section...and circumstances could have changed at any time making that necessary.

To make matters worse, my OB had to go out of town for the weekend, and he was leaving at 5 am Friday morning. So I was stuck with one of two OBs...neither of which I had ever even met before, one (I found out) who was new to the area, and very knife happy. I prayed I would make it through the night without going into labor, just so I could get off Knife Boy's shift. Before my OB left, he started me on Cervadil. I was told not to expect too much, because for 85% of people, it does Diddly Squat as far as induction goes. He then apologized that he wouldn't be there to finish the nearly 2 year journey it took for us to get to this point. I felt kind of...honored(?)...that he would feel so invested in my case. After saying his farewells and well wishes, he left, and I started bawling all over again.

My mom and Ben left to get some dinner at my request, so that I could place everything that was swimming around my head. During the hour they were gone, I had made up my mind on several things.

1. I was going to be okay with the situation. I couldn't change it, I needed to deal with it, and fast. I wasn't going to be a pain in everyone's butt just because things weren't going my way. Instead I was going to act like this is how I wanted it to be all along. A delivery without an epidural. Women do it all the time, and so could I.

2. I was going to do everything in my power have this baby vaginally. This is more for selfish reasons...we are going to Disneyland for Christmas, and I want to ride the rides. Yes, there are other reasons, but this was the #1 reason for this one. #2 was because everyone thought I'd have to have a c-section (me included)...I wanted the chance to prove that theory wrong.

3. I was going to be the best behaved laboring woman they had ever seen. I remember hearing horror stories of women acting like toddlers during deliver. That was simply not going to be me. I was going to say my please and thank yous, and not let another naughty word out of my mouth. (Yes, I let the S word slip when I found out no epi.)

4. I was going to listen to the nurse's directions. Since Ben and I didn't plan on me actually "birthing" the baby, we didn't take childbirth classes. So this one was a must for me. I was scared out of my mind and had no idea what I was doing or how this all worked. They coach laboring women every time they go to work. They are the experts, and I needed to follow orders.

After my mom and Ben came back, I was still a little overwhelmed with everything, but I was in a better place mentally. 2 hours after the Cervadil was inserted, I started having steady contractions. At midnight, I had another blood draw to see if, by chance, my platelets had gone up enough to have an epidural. 87,000. No luck. A couple anesthesiologists had said that if I could get around 95,000, I could have one. A few hours after that (around 2 I believe) the nurse and my mom convinced me to start the IV pain medicine that I had been refusing, as the first dose is always the most effective, and I wanted it to count. A short while after that, I had to have the Cervadil pulled because I was over-stimulated by it, and my contractions were highly irregular.

At 5 am exactly, after going to the bathroom, I was getting situated back in my bed when I felt a small bubble pop "down there". I was trying to figure out how to describe what I was feeling to my mom. I was thinking my water broke, but there was no gush, no torrent of water that you hear about. The pad I was wearing wasn't even wet. My mom called my nurse in to check, and sure enough, my water broke. I was also 95% effaced and dilated to a 3. From that time until delivery, I had a nurse at my side, constantly watching over me, helping me through my contractions. My regular OB called before he and his wife left, to once again apologize and wish me luck. Sometime that morning, maybe 7 or 8, I don't remember, I had yet another blood draw to monitor my platelets. This time, there was no messenger, the anesthesiologist came to talk to me. He told me that all 20 of the anesthesiologists at Central Washington Hospital had gotten together and reviewed my case. There were 3 who had been quietly willing to do an epidural if my count stayed steady at 86-87,000. But all 20 said there was no way since my count had dropped to 79,000. I was going to have to do this the hard way. He also reminded me about the general anesthesia in case of a c-section. I kept telling myself that I could do this, and after a few minutes, I believed it again. After he left, I asked Ben to give me a blessing. I was told that everything was going to be okay, and that the delivery would happen how I truly desired. I knew that I would have a vaginal delivery at that point. The one thing I didn't want was a c-section. After that, I decided that I could handle whatever the Lord decided to throw me.

As the day progressed, so did my labor. Alicia, my RN, and Hannah, a student nurse on her second clinical day, did great and kept me going. Hannah was a bit shy at first, but I let her feel my belly (because you could feel the septum), and told her not to hesitate getting involved, and that I would try not to bite. After that, she just let her training kick in, got involved, and did beautifully. I slowly worked my way to being 5 cm dilated, and I stayed there for quite some time. I can't remember what time it happened, but some time that day, the on-call OB I had been holding out for (not Knife Boy) came in and broke the remainder of my water. Now THAT was the gush people talk about! There was some concern that there might be meconium due to the contractions I had been having for weeks, but the amniotic fluid was clean and clear. By 4:30 in the afternoon, I was a 6. After that, things got worse. The contractions were hitting me harder than ever. They weren't really "regular" as far as timing went, but when they came, they did so with force.

Around 5:15 I was checked again and I was nearly a 7, then everything changed. As soon as the nurse took off her gloves, I had a contraction. All of a sudden my stomach cramped, but not the same cramps I had been experiencing for the last 12 hours. My body took over and pushed against my will. No matter how hard or fast I breathed, my abdominal muscles still contracted. In one breath, I told the nurse "I'm not pushing, but I'm pushing. I can't stop it. I'm not trying to bear down, it's doing it on it's own." I was scared to death. I knew I couldn't push a baby out when I wasn't even a 7, and I was afraid I was hurting Brooklynn. As soon as that contraction was over, I started sobbing. Saying sorry over and over again, and asking if I had hurt my baby. My nurse just told me that my body was doing what it was supposed to do, and it wouldn't be long now. She checked me again, I was a 9, almost a 10. Another contraction hit, and the same thing happened, I was pushing without meaning to. During the contraction, she stayed inside me, pushing on the lip of my cervix, trying to make me a full 10. It worked. I asked if I could get one more dose of IV meds before I started into the real pushing. After all...she was going to get my next dose right before the crazy contractions started. She and my mom just looked at each other and said I couldn't have any IV meds anymore. I had to do this all natural, with no pain management. Then, I really got scared. The baby hadn't even started crowning yet, and I was in more pain than I wanted to think about.

I had another contraction, and remember saying "Heavenly Father, I need your help, I can't do this on my own." I told the nurse that the doctor needed to get there now, because I could feel the baby coming, and I was scared he wouldn't make it. She told me that he was already on his way. The doctor was there by 5:30, and after a couple contractions, and 4 very painful tears (due to how fast she came), Brooke's head and shoulders were out. The Doctor told me to stop pushing, because the cord was wrapped around her neck twice, and he needed to cut it before she could come out. The cord was wrapped so tightly, he had a hard time getting it cut. My mom said that the cord was also wrapped loosely around her body twice. After the cord was cut, she just slid out the rest of the way. Brooklynn Marie was born at 5:47pm.

When I saw Brooklynn while the doctor was cutting the cord from around her neck, I noticed that she was blue, but I didn't think anything of it. Her cord was wrapped really tightly, I could SEE that. I knew that as soon as the cord was gone, she would take a deep breath and turn a healthy shade of pink. I was wrong. When he laid her on my stomach, I knew something was very wrong. She wasn't crying. She wasn't moving. She wasn't breathing. Her heart wasn't beating. Her head fell back on my chest, and I saw her lifeless eyes roll back. I have experienced many scary things in my life. I have nearly died twice, had someone threaten my life, as well as the lives of my family members and friends, watched my mom nearly die 3 times, been thousands of miles away from a father putting his life on the line while fighting in Iraq, and what many people don't know, nearly kidnapped as a 7 year old child by a teenage boy. All of these experiences, combined, are nothing compared to the fear I felt in that moment. The fear that my sweet, innocent baby girl was born dead. The fear that I would never see her smile, hear her laugh, or watch her grow and learn.


Brooklynn right after delivery.

Barely able to speak, I did the only thing I could. I whispered, "Heavenly Father, save her" and then I cried the way my baby should have, the way I wanted her to cry...needed her to cry. The ache I felt for her was so deep, and so complete. After what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only a few seconds, they finally took her from me, and started working on her. It's a good thing my mom and Ben were there looking after her, or I might have just hopped off the table to be with her before the doctor had even begun to sew me up. As soon as they took her away, I started talking to her, pleading with her to breath. "Come on Brooke, breathe. You can do it Sweetheart. Breathe Baby Girl." For 30-45 seconds, these were the only things coming out of my mouth. Then it happened. She cried. It wasn't a huge cry, but it was enough to let me know that Heavenly Father heard me, and saw fit to answer my prayers. Enough to let me know that SHE heard me, that she was fighting for her life, and that she wanted to live.


Still a little blue


Getting some oxygen


Finally, a good cry. The best sound in the world!

Over the next several minutes her cries became more powerful, and the blue of her skin faded to a sweet, soft pink. Her APGAR score at 1 minute was a 4. But at 5 minutes she was an 8, and by 10 minutes, she was a 9. When Ben laid her on my chest the second time, her head fell back again, but this time because she willed it to. Instead of empty, rolling eyes, I saw bright, alert eyes, fixated so perfectly and intently on mine. It was as if in that one gaze, she was telling me that she was okay, that we weren't going to be separated just yet, and that I had plenty of time to get to know her. In that single gaze, all the fear and worry washed away, and another wave of tears hit. This time they were tears of happiness, relief, and gratitude. She weighed 6 pounds 12 ounces, and was 21 inches long, with a FULL head of dark brown hair, and gorgeous steely blue eyes. Today she is a bright, alert, happy baby, with no ill side effects from her ordeal. At her two week appointment today, she weighed 7 pounds 0.5 ounces, and was 21 1/2 inches long.


First time holding her while she was breathing.
Thanking Heavenly Father for saving her.


Day after Delivery


2 weeks old

Even though I didn't lose her, I have gained a greater appreciation and testimony of the gospel, particularly the blessing of eternal families. Throughout the ordeal, even though I plead with Heavenly Father that Brooklynn would live, I knew that she was mine, even if she didn't. That if it was in the Lord's plan that she not need anything from this world beside a body, it was okay because one day I would have had the chance to raise her. It would be okay, because Ben and I were sealed together for time and all eternity in the temple, and that she would be our daughter, and part of our family, forever.


Logan Temple...where we became an eternal family.

I am so grateful for Ben and my mom, who stuck with me throughout the whole process. Seeing Brooke so ill, made me have the tiniest glimpse of what my mom was going through watching me in labor. I understand now why she did many of the things she did while I was growing up. I understand her maternal need to care for me, support me, help me grow, protect me. I love her so much for all the things she has done for me, and I don't think I could ever repay her.


Ben bringing Brooke to me after she was okay

Ben was the ultimate support and teammate. I know it was hard for him to see me in that position and condition. I know because I saw it in his eyes as he breathed with me through every rough contraction. But he was there for me when I needed him most. I am so grateful that he is a worthy Priesthood holder, which made the blessing he gave me possible. He is truly my other half, and I love him more now than I did the day we were sealed together in the Temple of God for eternity. I love him more now than I did through the months of support he gave me while we struggled to conceive. I love him more now than I did a month ago. And I love him more and more every single day watching him love our baby girl.

So that's the whole story. That's why I cry when I think about Brooke's delivery. Not because of the pain of the labor and delivery itself, but because of what I very nearly lost, and what I am so very grateful for. Well, until next nap time!

Ben, Jamie, and Brooklynn Marie

37 Weeks

We had a close call on Monday 11/1. I started having contractions at 1:30 in the morning that were about 10 minutes apart. They were still about 10 minutes apart at 3, so I decided to take a shower to try to relax. They eased up a bit in intensity side, but not so much frequency. They weren't really painful, so I didn't think too much of them...plus I was exhausted as I hadn't been to bed yet. I figured if they got worse, I would wake up. At about 5:30, I woke up to some pretty decent contractions, and they had increased to every 5 minutes, so I called my mom to get her opinion. Since I already had an appointment scheduled with my OB, I didn't know whether to wait it out, or head up to the hospital. Ben and I decided to wake up and get ready to head to Wenatchee. I really didn't want to deal with getting the random on-call doc, so we decided to wait a bit to actually start the trip to Wenatchee. Since my mom is a labor and delivery nurse, I had her monitor my contractions, because I thought I was going crazy, and imagining things. Plus I didn't (still don't) want to be one of those first time moms who freaks out about every little thing. My contractions were coming every 2-6 minutes, so we decided to go ahead and leave.

I called my OB's office, and was told to go straight to the hospital, since it sounded like I was in labor. I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes at the hospital. I had a quick ultrasound to see what position Brooklynn was in, and she was transverse. My cervix was still closed...0-1 with (maybe) 25% effacement. Just a little softening in the center, but nothing beyond that. Since Brooke was transverse, I was told not to eat or drink anything in case I needed a c-section that day. It was my OB's surgery morning, so he was at the hospital already, and came to see me at about noon. I think Brooke likes to flirt with Dr. Utley, because she was head down when he checked me, and he confirmed it with an ultrasound. Hey, as long as she keeps that up long enough to have a vaginal delivery...I'm perfectly okay with it. :)

Since I wasn't progressing by 5:30 that night (my cervix never did change), I was given the option to stay in the hospital, or go home and come back if my false labor turned into active labor. With only 2 hours of sleep, the night before, and not too much more than that they previous 2 nights, we decided to come home, and I was given some much needed sleeping pills. So now we are just waiting to see when Brooke decides to make her entrance. Given the fact that I am still contracting frequently, I would prefer sooner than later. I hope that my next update is one that I can show pictures of my little girl, but only time will tell!

34 weeks, and the countdown shortens.

Alright...time for another update.

I had my 34 week appointment Monday. Everything is going well. Brooklynn is growing like a weed, and has a good strong heartbeat. She is VERY cramped though. My doctor said that he was pleasantly surprised that I was still pregnant, which makes me wonder how far he really expected me to get. Being 34 weeks, I can now deliver in Wenatchee, and don't have to be flown out to Seattle or Spokane to deliver. He also feels that Brooke will be just fine if I were to go into labor now, so no need for steroid injections (YAY!!!). Our new goal is to get 2 more weeks...after that, he will just let her come if that's what she wants to do. Once again, she was breech/transverse. He told me point blank, if he'd needed to deliver her that day, she would have been a c-section. He told me to be prepared for it, but that she could still surprise us, so we aren't "planning" it just yet. Also, because of the fact that I've been contracting for a little over a week, he's having me come in weekly from now on (I had a contraction while he was trying to measure Brooke and me). He's also having me restrict my activities so that I don't overdo it, and contract even more. He almost checked to see if I was dilated at all, but decided against irritating the cervix since I had just had a contraction. I'm thinking those checks will start coming soon though...

So that's where we are. My little Thanksgiving baby may turn out to be a Halloween baby. Ben and I are frantically trying to get everything ready for her to arrive a month early. The car seat in in place, the hospital bag is mostly packed, and Ben has everything at work filled out so he can be there to support me. It's a good thing that we have awesome family nearby, who are all willing to help out if needed! Having our parents 5-15 minutes away has truly been a blessing!

While the thought of being a mom is still scares the living daylights out of me, I am so excited for Brooklynn to get here. Ben can't wait to hold her, and I can't wait to let him ;). He's already wrapped around her little finger, and she's already a daddy's girl. She loves listening to him play the piano, and never seems to fail to let him know she hears him when he talks to her (in French, which is super cute, by the way).

Well, that's about it for now. It's the waiting game from here on out.

Birthday and 30 Week Appointment

23. I don't feel any older...but I think a big part of that is because I still don't feel old enough to be a mom. I remember telling Ben..."I'll be 23 when we have our first baby. That seems pretty reasonable." Ha. I didn't take into account the fact that I don't think I will EVER feel old enough or ready enough to be a mom. Sorry...rant over. My birthday was pretty quiet this year. My dad was out of state for drill, and my mom was in Utah. Kyle went with Ben and me to lunch, as Jessica was in school. The day after, Ben and I took a day a went to Tri-cities. We went to the temple and did sealings, then walked around the mall. Granted...very slowly, and sitting on just about every bench we came across.

So, on to Brooklynn... my 30 week appointment went well. I needed below a 120 to pass my second glucose test, and I got a 103. Dr. Utley made sure to remind me to take it easy during these last few weeks. He told me to call the instant I may experience any signs of preterm labor...don't ignore anything. In other words, be safe rather than sorry.

This time, Brooke was transverse...not really breech, but not too far off either. I measured behind on my fundal height again, even smaller than my 28 week appointment where I measured dead on for my gestational age. This is all directly related to her differing positions in my uterus, but I can tell he's slightly concerned about not getting accurate measurements on me. He told me that Brooke doesn't have much time left to get into position. The longer she waits to do so, the bigger she gets, in turn making it harder for her to move around....meaning the more likely I'll have a c-section. I can't even attempt a vaginal delivery if she isn't head down because it's too dangerous to physically manipulate her.

While it's nice to finally hear some of the thoughts going through his head...it's a little scary to know that the fact he's saying anything at all is because of the high risk of it actually happening. A total double edged sword.

I'll try to keep this updated as I have more appointments. she could come within the next 4-7 weeks (most likely). Yikes...talk about a reality check. Here are pictures of my baby bump.


20 Weeks Pregnant

30 Weeks Pregnant

Long needed update...

Okay, I'm back. If you couldn't tell from the new decor...we are expecting a baby GIRL!!!! We've decided to name her Brooklynn Marie, and we can't wait to meet her!

So far, it's been a fairly difficult pregnancy, and I've neglecting my blog because I've not really wanted to talk about it. But I now I feel okay to talk about a few of my issues, so here it goes. While certain medical issues have taken a back seat, new and "exciting" ones have taken their place. My RA has all but completely subsided during the pregnancy. There was one electrical storm in July that really had me hurting for about 48 hours, but other than that I have been very blessed to have only 2 joint (L knee and R shoulder) give me any amount of trouble. My Rheumatologist says that it's a good sign, and we will just keep our fingers crossed that the typical 3 month postpartum flare up will be minor.

I had horrible nausea and vomiting, to the point of hyperemesis. Not even Zofran touched it some days. That lasted WELL into the pregnancy, and I only started getting relief after about 20 weeks, with most of it gone by 24. However, once the hyperemesis was out of the picture, heartburn set it. I have never experienced heartburn, and have always prided myself with my ability to eat spicy, cultural foods. Sadly, I can't eat the deliciously fried and spicy foods that I crave. Tums didn't touch it, and I now take Zantac 150. Ahhh...I love that stuff! Hopefully it continues to work throughout the remainder of my pregnancy.

My septum makes me more on the high risk side. I already knew that, but I guess I really didn't know how high risk I actually am. My doctor is more of a "we'll cross that bridge when we get there" kind of guy, and while it makes for a stress free appointment, it drives me kinda crazy because I like to know all the details. Never once has he used the terms "high risk" or "C-section" even though I know he's thinking about it. Never worried me about preterm labor, or gestational diabetes. Nothing. During my 26 week appointment, I made a passing comment to him about spending some time in Utah for my baby shower and a family get together. I got the worst stink eye, EVER. He told me that while he couldn't forbid me to go, I, in no way, had his blessing, because he was afraid that I could go into pre-term labor while in Utah, and be hundreds of miles away from him and his staff who have a birth plan in place for me. Well, that did it. I didn't go to Utah, and canceled my baby shower. Sorry about that by the way.

After my 26 week appointment, I took my 1 hour glucose test. I didn't have a problem getting the sickly sweet orange drink down....it was keeping it down that got to me. I was planning on walking around while I waited for the blood draw, but after 20 minutes, I was about to pass out. After Ben took me home and helped me relax for the remaining time, I was feeling a bit better. As soon as I stood up to go to the clinic, I immediately felt like I was going to pass out again. Ben helped me to the car, and before we could even make it out of our parking lot, I had to jump out of the car and vomit in the bushes. Nice, right? After driving the 60 seconds to the clinic, they took my blood and sent me on my way, but I had a horrible feeling I was going to fail. Sure enough, bright and early the next morning, I got the call. I failed my test. Great. So after talking with the nurse and explaining that I couldn't keep down the 50cc drink for an hour, there was no way I could keep down the 100cc drink for three hours unless they let me lie on a bed and have the tech come to me. Since there really isn't an option for that at my clinic, I am now doing the Jelly Bean test. I have to eat 20 of the Brach's jelly beans in under 2 minutes, then get my blood drawn at the 2 hour mark and pray it's below 120. We'll see how that one goes.

On a positive note, Brooklynn was head down at my last appointment (28 weeks), and all on my right side. So at least she is capable of getting into position at this point. Today, she was back in her favorite spot....feet up one side, head up the other, bum squarely on my cervix. I had to laugh with Ben at my last appointment, because my regular OB was out of town, so I had to see his associate. She is much more...frank...about my condition. Haha. There was a brand new student nurse shadowing, and as soon as I explained my medical history, the doctor turned to the nurse and started rambling off statistics of preemies, c-sections, and all sorts of complications. It's a very good thing I already knew this information, or I would have been totally taken back. (As I said before, my doctor is very go with the flow...)

So now we are just waiting. The goal is to get to October 13th, which is the 34 week mark. After that, I don't care when she comes....I just don't want her before that. I have only gained about 13 pounds so far in the pregnancy, (and as my doctor told me, I have a long torso and wide, baby bearing hips) so I'm really not very big. I don't have any belly pictures since my 20 week one, so I will have to do that soon. I have not been very good about that. I end up feeling too crummy to have my picture taken. I will try to be better about updating the blog, but to be honest, I probably won't be any better until Brooke gets here and I feel like I have something exciting to post about! Love you all!!!

What's Cooking?

During the past year, I have experienced so many emotions. Hope. Fear. Love. Sadness. Happiness. Insanity. Appreciation. Devastation. Excitement. Disappointment. I have been to the point of elation, and to the point where the only thing keeping me going was the love of my Father in Heaven. I know that some of the things that I am about to write are going to hurt people. I know, because I've been there. I've experienced the feelings and emotions you are feeling. I do not apologize for what I have been blessed with. I am, however, truly sorry that this post will add to your pain.

I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, but I really started getting baby hungry at 17. After Ben and I got married, I knew that having kids right then wasn't the path we were supposed to take, but that realization nearly killed me. Ask Ben...taking birth control was a very difficult task for me. I opted for the shot every three months, just so I could deal with the emotional roller-coaster as little as possible. When the shot gave me such horrible migraines that I couldn't function, I had to switch to the pills. It was a daily battle. I had to psych myself up all day long, just to take that teeny tiny pill. I cried after the swallow every single day. I was an emotional wreck. Ben was awesome. He would just hold me, and tell me that this was a temporary pain, and the Lord would let us know when it was time to start trying.

We knew we were going to start trying no later that 2 years into the marriage. We had prayed about that, and felt very comfortable with that decision. However, a little before our first anniversary, we found my septum, and the doctor told us to start trying to get pregnant. We were excited to get started, but nervous because this was NOT in the plan. I am a control freak, so it took some adjustment to come to terms with that. However, a couple months after we started trying, we really started to feel like this was the Lord's plan for us. This was HIS way of getting things done, and we were just along for the ride.

Trying to conceive took a heavy toll on us...me specifically. Since I didn't ovulate at all. I knew the problem was my fault. I felt like I was holding Ben back from reaching his potential, and I began feeling depressed. I remember at one point, I was counting all the names of people I knew who were pregnant, or had just had a baby...I quit counting at 55 because I couldn't handle it anymore. Every time I heard someone was pregnant, I bawled my eyes out. While I was happy for them deep down, I just couldn't get past my sorrow, and my jealousy. I hated hearing "We weren't even trying". Ugh. Those words cut SO deep. I wondered what I had done that was so bad, I couldn't have the one thing I wanted more than anything else.

I received a blessing in the fall, stating that if I would put my whole heart into my calling at church, the Lord would bless me with the desires of my heart. Crazy thing was, I didn't have a calling at that point in time. I thought it was weird, but just went with it. I continued to have blessings that said the EXACT same thing. Nothing changed in wording or meaning.

The next month, I was called to be a Visiting Teaching Supervisor for my ward. As soon as I was set apart, I received the list of who I had, and started the calls to see who had completed the visiting teaching for the month. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great either. Several women had not been contacted, so I got to work for the next month. I prayed with all my might that I would know how to fill my calling to the best of my capacity. The month of February came and went, and as I called my ladies, I started to cry with gratitude and excitement. The first call..."We visited all our sisters this month!" The second call..."We visited all our sisters this month!" The third call..."We visited all our sisters this month!" This continued with each call until every one on my list had been called, and I put a big "V" for visited by every sister on my list. As I prayed, thanking Heavenly Father for the experience I had just had, I received that strong yet quiet reassurance that the Lord knew what I had accomplished. He knew, that I put my whole self into this calling, and I had done what I had set out to do. Turns out, I ovulated the beginning of March, right after all my sisters had been contacted, and right before I emailed my coordinator with my list.

I realize that "scientifically speaking" the Clomid is what caused me to ovulate, but statistically, it shouldn't have worked THIS well on the first try for me.

Yes, I am pregnant. After a year of trying, with so many ups and even more downs, I am finally pregnant! I am exactly 9 weeks today, and the baby looks perfect! I am still at an increased risk for miscarriage, but I am satisfied. I CAN get pregnant. After so much wondering by me, my family, and my doctors...we know that I am able to get pregnant and sustain that pregnancy, at least so far, that is the case.

My oven has been on pre-heat for a year, and I am so excited it is finally cooking something! So in answer to What's Cooking? Baby Stott is cooking, and we can't wait to meet him or her!

This is our little nugget at 9 Weeks!!

Two Whole Years!!

So Saturday was our Two Year Anniversary. We are still a little in shock over it! It feels like just yesterday we walked into the Logan Temple to be sealed for Time and All Eternity. And yet, at the same time, it feels like it was forever ago. So much has changed. Being completely reliant on one another, coming to a better understanding of what we want out of this life, realizing the difference between wants and needs, and SO much more! I feel like a totally different person than the Me from two years ago. And Ben has changed so much too, but not really in the ways I would have expected. I guess that goes for me too though.

While it has been a great two years, I could have never imagined the struggle that we have had to overcome. They haven't been fun, but they've made us stronger, and closer to Heavenly Father. My health issues, our struggle/inability to get pregnant, the poor economy in which we started our lives together, school upsets, loss of jobs, it has all been tough, but I wouldn't trade it in. I love Ben so much, and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Some days I don't feel like I deserve him, and yet, for some crazy reason, he still loves me...even after getting to know every facet of my personality inside and out. I am so grateful for a husband who is a worthy priesthood holder, who makes it a point to include Heavenly Father in our relationship, who works so hard for our little family, and who truly loves me for me. I love you Hun! Happy Anniversary! Two Years down, Eternity to go!

A lot on my plate

Okay, sorry I haven't updated. I'll let you in on a little secret. Clomid is not fun. Having pregnancy symptoms when you aren't pregnant...totally not fun. Cramps, bloating, nausea, acne, hot flashes, emotional swings that drive me crazy...and though he hasn't said anything, I'm sure they drive Ben crazy too. If I need to take Clomid to get pregnant, than you better believe that I'm going to take Clomid, but I don't have to like it. Granny pointed out today that I have had worse acne in the past month and a half, than I did throughout my entire teenage years! I cry my eyes out over the dumbest things, and then 5 minutes later, I'm as happy as a lark. Ugh. It really is driving me nuts!! Oh, and to top it off, I currently have pneumonia. So it's all these symptoms plus not being able to breath. Hopefully these antibiotics work soon!!!!

Okay, that's my rant. Now onto fun stuff. Brad is marrying this AWESOME girl, Erin, May 8th. I was commissioned to do all the flowers for the wedding/reception/everything. I am SOOOOO grateful that Rianne Jones offered to help me out. Two heads are totally better than one. I just told her what I was thinking, and then she helped me actually pull it off. Man I love that girl!!! I would have NEVER gotten as far as I have without her!! Jessica also helped out a ton! She was right there if we needed leaves painted, or if we needed a certain flower retrieved, cut, etc, she was right there to do it! She made the whole process go 100 times faster!! Now we are more than 50% done with the flowers.

The next thing I have to worry about, the cake. Yes. I am doing the cake. AHHHH!!!! I am really nervous about this one! The nice thing is, we still have the cake from my wedding as a backup if I screw up too badly!! Hahaha.

Let's see, what else is new. Ben had a lead part in a musical, and did a FABULOUS job!! I am so stinking proud of him! He was Barnaby in Hello Dolly, just in case anyone was wondering, or didn't see his performance. My mom, of course, took over 1000 pictures over the 3 performances. Everyone kept saying they expected me to be performing right there with him, but I don't do so well in front of people. I get stage fright sooooo bad...it's ugly. Plus, I just don't think I have the voice for it.

Well, I think that's it for now. See ya!!

The Strong Saints of Haiti!!!

I received this in an email, and it was too good not to share! Please keep Haiti in your prayers. The members of the Haitian community need all the Divine assistance they can get!! I am so thankful to be a member of the true gospel of Jesus Christ! Blessings and miracles happen every day, all around us. Is there any doubt that the Lord loves His children, members of our faith or not, and that he watches over and protects them? I say there is not! Yes, there is darkness, devastation, heartbreak, loss, and sorrow, but there is also light, hope, love, improvement, and happiness. I have faith that the people of Haiti will overcome this trial. They will become strong in their afflictions, with a powerful conviction in Christ.

I think I'll leave you with my favorite scripture, as I feel it fits.

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-11
7. My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
9. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.
10. Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.
11. And they who do charge thee with transgression, their hope shall be blasted, and their prospects shall melt away as the hoar frost melteth before the burning rays of the rising sun;

Please open your hearts as you read the remainder of this post, and I know it will touch and enrich you. And if you would like me to email you a copy of this so that you may keep the hope going, just leave me your email!
~Jamie



Photography by Scot Facer Proctor

Maurine and Scot Proctor, Meridian's editor and publisher, are currently in Haiti with 125 LDS medical, construction and translation volunteers from Utah.



Much of Haiti lies in rubble. Collapsed roofs lie at angles, smashed against the floor below them. Cinder blocks slant in heaps along the roads. Some streets in Port-au-Prince look like old pictures of bombed-out Berlin after World War II. It's a horror, an apocalypse.



Yet, amidst a shoddy neighborhood stands a jewel, the Croix-des-Missions LDS church and sounding through the air is a hymn: How Firm a Foundation.



It is a particularly well-chosen song in a land whose physical foundations could not stand the earth's tremors, but whose Latter-day Saints have proven to be remarkably resilient. They know that though all but a handful have lost their homes, their foundation is in the gospel of Jesus Christ and that is firm.



Attending the 3-hour church block on Sunday felt remarkably normal to us. There were the Saints dressed well, many in crisp, white shirts that looked newly ironed. The deacons wore their white shirts and ties as they reverently passed the sacrament.



How can this be? Without homes, they are living on the street in hastily-assembled, makeshift shelters on any flat land that is available. Their walls may be sheets hung over ropes or pieces of cardboard. Their beds are concrete or hard earth. Everything they owned-and that already wasn't much-has been stripped from them by an initial quake that lasted about 45 seconds and after shocks that continued for days.



Haiti, right now and for the foreseeable future, is a land sleeping out. People fill the church's courtyards at night-and instead of woe, they laugh and talk. They have shanties on the median strip between two lanes of riotous traffic.



We asked member after member, how can you be so beautifully groomed on Sunday, given your conditions? They answered that because most everyone is now living in the street, they are indeed dirty during the week, plagued by all the ills that befalls a newly-made street person, but, they added that though they had no water to drink, they had water good enough to wash their clothes.


So there they were singing about what really is their firm foundation and looking like any other LDS congregation across the world-except they are homeless.

Their Lessons and Talks



That is not all. Their lessons and talks were sophisticated and scripturally based, as if they had a library and computer at their fingertips to prepare instead of the side of the road.



The sacrament meeting began with strains of "Come, come ye Saints, no toil, nor labor fear, but with joy wend your way." For most of us who come from other nations, we would be hard-pressed to find joy in impoverished and broken Haiti before the earthquake, let alone now, but they sang like they meant it, "Happy day, all is well."



They prayed, "We are all thankful to be counted among the living. We are grateful to know of thy truth. There are many outside the walls of this church who do not have this truth to sustain them through the trials. We know we were kept alive because we have a mission to complete. Bless us all that we can be strong and take care of each other."



We listened tearfully. The sacrament was passed and each of the seven children sitting on the row next to us took not a single piece of bread but a scoop each. They are hungry.



Then we heard a talk, a surprising, enriching talk from France Nathalie Desir-so beautifully done.
She told the audience:
"For some of the adversity we face, we can place the weight on our own shoulders because we are not obeying God's laws. That adversity we can control, but there are some kinds of adversity we can't control like the earthquake. We didn't do anything to attract it. We all had friends and families who were killed. A lot of people are discouraged and have lost faith, but we as members of the Church now have a mission.



"We know why we have adversities. They are to make us stronger. We have the freedom to either let them overcome us or to make us strong. Just as we send little children to school, the Lord has sent us here for a school.



"Our big enemy is our pride that keeps us from loving our neighbour and obeying the commandments.Since January 12, we all have experienced sleeping outside. As I was lying in the courtyard looking up at the stars, I knew this was the time to manifest charity and mourn with those who mourn, give food to those who need food.



"We have a certain joy, and the joy is knowing these things are temporary. The trials we are given on earth are for us, and the Lord knows everything we are going through and they are to augment our faith and bring us to God."

Primary and Youth



The primary children at the ward were as happy, giggly and bright as any children in the world-maybe more so.



Their lesson was on the plan of salvation and the teacher talked to them-just as you'd think-about the premortal, mortal world, paradise and resurrection, complete with the traditional hand in the glove to describe what happens when we are born and when we die. You can see them here.











The lessons for the youth were very much like those for the adults



We must be strong in this time of adversity. We must reach out with love to those who are discouraged.

Home Teaching



Francy Saint-Preux, the High Priest group leader for the ward, said doing home teaching is ten times harder than it used to be because people are no longer in their homes and sleeping somewhere on the street, but after the quake they made every effort to assure that everyone was safe. Temporal needs are difficult to meet because they are so overwhelming and every priesthood leader is inundated. They'll do anything to help, but there are some things they just can't do.
Francy said, "The island is in disarray from top to bottom."
He noted, "One of the first things I had to do as a leader in the high priests is to restore confidence in the members. I remind them that the important things are still intact. Your kids are safe. You have the gospel. I encourage people to focus on staying close to God.
"What we teach the members is the gospel," he said. Our gospel is simple--pray, read your scriptures, pay your tithing and work. Do everything you can to work. Even the solution to a temporal problem is a spiritual one. Get back to the basics."

Meet the Members



We are here in Haiti with 70 Haitian-speaking missionaries who are assisting in translating for medical teams and food delivery. At the airport before we left, we asked several of them why their loyalty and love for the Haitian people was so intense. Richard Clawson, a former missionary summed it up: "I met so many people in Haiti who are friendly and wonderful, but I also met a number of people in Haiti who I would aspire to be if I can. I met people who were role models to me."
Watching them deal with this devastating crisis, you can see what he means. Meet some of the members:

Guerby Pierre



Guerby Pierre is one of those exceptional people in Haiti who actually has a job. He is well-educated and has a job as an accountant with a billboard company. He tells what happened to him when the earthquake hit:
"The things I saw during the earthquake are forever engraved on my memory. You see things in disaster movies, but it is nothing like when it happens in real life, and I cannot ever forget it.



"I was inside at my work, working at my computer, at what seemed like a normal day. Then, all of a sudden with a roaring noise, it seemed like a giant beast had taken the building in his arms and was twisting and shaking it back and forth. My screen fell off my desk; bookshelves started falling, and I ran for the door, but could hardly keep my footing with the shaking. As I stood at the door, the wall I had been leaning against before completely collapsed.
"It is so different when you experience this in real life. People think of the great earthquakes in 3rd Nephi. People outside thought it was the Second Coming.



"My work is destroyed. That was my livelihood. I went to my house and it is completely gone, but I was able to go in and get the things that really mattered to me-my temple recommend, my passport, some clothes and my scriptures."
He held up his battered scriptures at that moment, the gilt-edged pages long ago worn away, and we asked him, "Did that happen to your scriptures during the earthquake?"
He just smiled back and said, "No, I really love my scriptures and I use them all the time."
The day before the earthquake a tune started wafting through Guerby's mind. Again and again it came and stayed with him through the day. He realized that the words were "The Lord my pasture will prepare, and guard me with a shepherd's care."
He was so impressed with the message that returned again and again to him, that he wrote down the words to the hymn and sent them in a note to his sweetheart. The next day the meaning was still in his soul as his world was hurled apart, and he knew that no matter what happened, the Lord had already sent him a message of comfort.
Now, Guerby is sleeping outside in a tent every night. The way he looks at it is his first job is to take care of his friends and other members of the Church. Even if he doesn't have a lot of money he can strengthen them. His second job as an accountant is gone, so he has more time for his first job.
Some things are really hard. It is hard to think that after working hard to become college-educated that he might be back to shining shoes to get enough money to live on. And it's hard not to have a home. He misses the feeling of something comfortable and recognizable to come back to at night.
He's holding on. He had saved a little money. He got some food and shoes from the bishop.



Each night as he lays under the stars, it reminds him of what is really important in life. He said, "In one sense I have nothing, but in another, I have everything because I have the gospel, and this earthquake has only augmented my testimony. My life is changed. The earthquake simplified it. Since the earthquake, I could all of a suddenly think clearly."
Gone are certain things he thought were really important. Instead, he is hoping to find a way to take his best friend and sweetheart to the temple to be married.
"Life can be hard sometimes," he says, "but it will be OK."

Charles Marie Murielle

"When the earthquake happened, I was inside my house. I had just come from school because I am studying to be a nurse. There was a professor who was absent, so I came home early.
"I was just taking off my uniform when the earthquake started. I heard the noise and felt the earthquake and thought to myself, this is an earthquake.



"After it stopped, I found myself, I was yelling, but I had a strong feeling I shouldn't leave my house. I should just stay there. I went to open my door to go out, and my door was blocked, I couldn't open it.
"I said a sincere prayer. I told the Lord that I was not ready to die. I don't have a family, yet, and I haven't been to the temple. With a lot of strategy I was able to open the door by myself.



"Outside, everyone was crying and screaming out to God, 'What is going on?' The farther I got out, I saw that churches had fallen and people had been killed.
"My school which is four stories tall had collapsed and all the students and teachers had been killed. I would have been there if my teacher had not shown up.
"All communications were cut off. No radio. No telephone. No one knew what was going on. We were all trying to find an open space. We kept hearing instructions, "Don't go inside. Don't go inside."
"From time to time the earth would shake again. I was continually scared. I was the only member of the Church nearby, and I felt like I was alone. People from other religions were making a lot of noise and were screaming. I found myself in silence because the Spirit told me exactly what to do. I knew it was not the end of the world.



"I prayed, 'Give me strength so that I can hold on.' I found the strength to help a few people who were injured. I found a lot of people who were in shock. The next day I met a brother from the church who came to my house to see if I was OK. He told me I needed to come to the church that all of the members were meeting there. That gave me strength.
We asked her what the future holds for her without money or a house or a school. She said she is determined to find a way to finish her nursing, but for now, she lives at the church and she's scared to go back to her house. Maybe she will make cookies to sell.

Erick Goimbert

Erick had just picked his son up from school and gone home when the house started hurling back and forth with roaring, pounding, confusing noises. A dresser hit the wall and whipped around and hit him in the eye. Then pieces of the roof began crashing down, and he ran into the other room to get his son.



They didn't try to get out, as it was hard to stand, impossible to walk. They just started praying. He did not know it was an earthquake as he had never experienced anything so overwhelming before.
When they finally made their lurching way out of the house, he saw that all the houses around him were completely destroyed and his neighbors had been killed.



Now, he and his family are sleeping wherever they can find a spot at night, mostly in the road by their house. He'd like to come and sleep at the church, but his home is too far away.
He has no tent, but sleeps under some corrugated tin cover. Every morning he doesn't know where to get food. He just waits day to day for help. Like most Haitians, he doesn't have a job, and his wife just sells things in the street.
Among his slim possessions are a few Tylenol pills for when his back, hit by the dresser in the quake, hurts too much.



He says with some good cheer, "Everybody is praying. There is definitely a feeling of unity and my testimony has been strengthened. You drive through my neighbourhood and mine was the only house that is not completely destroyed.
What for the future? He sees no possibilities to rebuild a house. He has no money and can't see where he could possibly get any.

Polycarpe Macking

The day of the earthquake, two of his children had just come home from school and were watching television. He was out in the front yard feeding the chickens, their main source of livelihood.



About 4:45, he started to feel the shaking movement. Immediately his children ran outside as the roaring, pitching earth got worse. As soon as they ran outside, the house collapsed.
They knelt down and, crying, said a prayer for his wife and other daughter, asking that they would be safe. They found her quickly for which he was grateful.



Now, he doesn't know what he's going to do. "God must have a plan for me," he said, "and I'm just going to have to see what it is."



The scriptures are his life and he loves to read.
A vibrant young man, he still hasn't had a job for seven years, and the few chickens they had were crushed or scattered in the earthquake. For now, they are sleeping in their yard. They have no money to rebuild.

Group Photograph



We couldn't help ourselves in wanting to show the amazing light and joy in the faces of the Haitian Saints here in the Croix-des-Missions Ward in Port-au-Prince.



The bishop announced in the meeting that we would all gather after their sacrament meeting (sacrament was last) and have a group picture of the ward. He said he wanted all the children and youth and everyone to come. Some of the investigators who were there on this day asked if they should be a part of this picture. We said, "Of course you are a part of this!"



We then told our translators to instruct them to do something we learned from then President David Bednar at BYU-Idaho. We told them to hold up their scriptures high and let us see them.



We saw every variety of scriptures, manuals and hymnbooks go up into the air.



Many of the children wanted to gather for their own group picture.
Their faces captured it all.
--
This is a glimpse of the members of the Croix-des-Missions ward after the earthquake. It's good they can sing "Happy day, all is well," because like the handcart pioneers of old they have nothing but God's help and the help of his children to see them through.